USA TODAY Sports
Is there any better way to ring in the Ravens or 49ers winning the championship than with a dose of grampa's cough syrup? Find out how!
When SB Nation asked me to write up a Super Bowl recipe, I spent a little bit of time digging for dishes that I might like to try myself, but in reality, I am not much of a cook. I am a major eater, but I almost always consume something that someone else took the time to cook -- and then pre-package, freeze and make it's way to my microwave some three months later. I am sure that on Sunday I will be eating pizza delivery and Doritos. If you want a recipe based off of that, then order a pizza ... and crunch Doritos on top of it. (Cool Ranch on Pepperoni is hard to out-do.)
So what kind of an answer would a guy like me, a regular guy or gal just like you, have for the question of "favorite Super Bowl recipes"? I have eaten many delicious snacks, apps and meals on Super Bowl Sundays, and I have created zero of them. I have, however, drunk a lot of good drinks, and one of my favorite ways to get drunk hearkens back to childhood. Sort of a mix of when you were seven and when you were seventeen:
The Jello Shot.
Many people would say that Jello Shots are "for girls" but forget that noise. I can tell you exactly where I was the first time I had a Jello Shot, but I could never tell you where I was 30 minutes after I had taken my first Jello Shot. All I know is that I had woken up in a strange basement the next morning and everything else is black. The Jello Shot is a sneaky bugger because it tastes like, get this ... JELLO! You can pump these suckers with as much vodka and rum as you want, and there's a good chance that the sugar of the Jello will overpower the alcohol. Oh, you can always get a "hint" of it, but not nearly enough to stop you from consuming alcohol about twice as fast as you normally would, and that is the key to Jello Shots.
You see, hard alcohol tastes like garbage. People will tell you that they like the taste but in reality, they had just grown accustomed to it. They have acquired the taste of vodka. You never have to acquire the taste of Jello because Jello is made out of sugar and sugar is amazing. Of course, the consistency of Jello is another story, but at the heart of the matter is a sweet, succulent, sugary flavor that no kid could turn down. At least not the kid inside of all of us, and now that kid is 24 years old and wants to get messed up while he's eating Jello. Well, that's no problem at all, because in order to make regular Jello, you need
water liquid. There is no actual rule that you need water, you only need LIQUID. You know what else is a liquid?
The best part of all is that Jello Shots are stupidly easy to make. Jello should add a warning label that says: "WARNING: If you substitute half of the water for alcohol, which is RIDICULOUSLY easy to do, you might get poisoned!" That is all entirely true. A kid could make Jello, and therefore, a kid could make some of the strongest alcoholic beverages in the world and one of the easiest ways to get blacked out. How do you make Jello Shots?
Follow the directions on the Jello Box, but substitute half (or all if you want to get nuts; lets get nuts) of the water for your alcohol of choice. I can't guarantee to you that it's going to taste amazing, but I can guarantee to you that it's going to be shots that you'll be able to drink much quicker than regular shots. When it takes on that gelatinous form, whether that's a form you like or not, it almost entirely bypasses the tongue and the taste buds. Before you know it, you've got 150 milliliters of Smirnoff in your stomach. All you will realize is that five minutes ago you were dead sober and now you're doing just officer, fine.
There are even products now that are made simply for the purpose of making Jello Shots, such as the Jellinator. Sort of like the Whizzinator, except in this case, it's for liquid going in instead of out. Try all sorts of different recipes; they make plenty of flavored vodkas these days, such as whipped cream-flavored vodka. Buy orange Jello and sub half of the water with that and you've got Creamsicles, son! Strawberry Jello and raspberry vodka? Sounds good to me!!
Anyone that tries to convince you that Jello Shots are "girly" probably just isn't man enough to do them with you. Challenge that man to a Jello Shot-off and see who is the last person standing. While you are watching the Ravens take on the 49ers, setup a Jello Shot drinking game. Take a shot for every time Jim Harbaugh has a mental breakdown and see if either one of you are able to make it to the first commercial break. Take a Jello Shot for every million dollars per year that Joe Flacco is worth. Or make a Jelturducken, which is just a turducken stuffed with Jello Shots. Is it good? I don't know, you tell me!
All I know is that when SB Nation asked me to do a post on Super Bowl recipes, I was stumped, but when I realized I could do something about alcohol, I couldn't get this post written fast enough. Now go out there and get started, because Jello Shots (like Jello) take a while to properly sit. You will want to get this done on Saturday so that you can wake up and be drunk before Phil Simms says anything. Anything at all. Now you're all set to be a kid again, but in an adult sort of way, on Super Bowl Sunday.
Next Time: Jello Puddin' Shots!